The Acute Divide of Me

I remember a time when my online persona was such a good match for my offline persona it was a bit disturbing. Somewhere along the years of Facebook I have lost that. I don’t know if it’s the medium, the horrors of menopause, or I’m just more careless and quick to answer with my words, or all of these, but it is something.

I started shifting this in January, smoothing some of my edges, but not stopping my desire to spotlight issues of social injustice. It worked for awhile. Then it didn’t, then it did. I’ve all the right reasons in my head, but then it slips and I don’t even notice at first. In person I notice quickly. (I’ll give ya sometimes I’m clueless, but that is unusual, not typical.)

I was being quiet more, with spurts of RAWR, but I didn’t shift enough internally. I was choosing where to post what, hidden from much of friends list, with the occasional two day outbursts on my timeline. Basically I changed where without changing how. Which is duh, but there ya go, I was being duh. I wasn’t feeling this shift in my body and for me that is an important piece to permanence.

Today after visiting a hospice patient I felt it in my body. Like huge I felt it. Not the shift, but the gulf between the state of grace I am in when I am in service to the dying and the state if non-grace I am in a place like Facebook. How I am face-to-face in my community where my hands fly around, my eyes are bright, and my face lights up with passion when discussing things. When I discuss all things, from SJ to how the squirrel wiggled itself up a tree. It was core blowing how acutely I felt the divide between the two places I am “seen”. And it was unnerving. And humbling.

My wish is that I hold this state of grace more purposefully going forward, in all my places. That I try to do better. That I will do better.

2 thoughts on “The Acute Divide of Me

  1. ❤ Much love to you.

    For myself, I find that FBs illusion of intimacy with the people you're conversing with, and the more like real time conversation (versus how it is on LJ or email or blogs) makes me less likely to be careful with how I phrase my words. There's a bit "quick, get this in now!!" when I'm responding or posting, that I wish wasn't there.

    I'm grateful for you, that you had this experience while visiting; I hope that you get from this, for yourself, what you desire. And, if it helps at all, I'm grateful to get to see even a tiny bit of your life, to know that you are in this world at the same time I am, even in your 'off' moments.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. So much for this comment. It means the world to me. ❤ And you are correct about FB, the illusion of intimacy, and immediacy of it just works against me. Or it has. It didn't start out that way. I WILL CONQUER THE DEMON NAMED FACEBOOK. Love to you!


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