Anger as motivation

Reblog. So interesting. Gaiman and Pratchett and anger.

facingthefireswithin

http://io9.com/a-while-back-neil-gaiman-heard-someone-said-of-terry-p-1640193369?fb_action_ids=868667169817592&fb_action_types=og.likes

I rushed to get the link up and neglected to put up my own thoughts. I feel there is nothing wrong in using anger as a motivator so long as you understand the risks and price of doing so. I have some friends who are athletic, and use anger to push themselves. I have many friends who are activists who use anger every day. So long as I am sure that they understand what that can cost them, I wish them the best of luck. Just be aware that you must not let that anger consume you. Then it becomes much darker and more dangerous.

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SCIENCE! – reblog

SCIENCE!.

Among other excellent points there is this gem:

If you ever have the audacity to tell me that my mental illness “was invented by Big Pharma to make money”… you try living with it for almost 35 years.  All of the willpower and positive thinking and Reiki and herbs in the world did not help me get better.  Buproprion and clonidine did.  You know why?  Because what I have is actually a brain disease involving brain chemistry, that can only be fixed by chemicals.  There’s this new thing, you might have heard of it, called science.  It works.  No really.

Names Don’t Matter, or: what to do when your god pokes around with your identity by poking around with His own

If I had words I would use them to explain why you should read this. I do not have words. Read.

Strip Me Back To The Bone

A young girl is on her hands and knees at the water’s edge, keening into the sea. There is no other word for the sounds coming from her, the sounds of a spirit bound too tightly slipping its cage and splintering from the force of it. She feels herself shattering, and no amount of trying to hold on will stop the process. She is beyond fear, beyond worry, beyond hope. She has given over to this moment, and she is caught up in fury, in desolation, in these big, crushing waves of emotions that are too big, too wild, to be held back. Her spirit has tasted freedom and it will not return to its meager existence. Her spirit knows the depth and beauty of the worlds, and it calls out for rescue.

He comes clad in moonlight and darkness, in denim and leather, in flesh, bone, and magic. The…

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Holy Grief

Strip Me Back To The Bone

The grief rushes in, as a wave of numbing, crushing, cold despair crashing upon the shoreline of my spirit. Its breakers distract with their frothing, gleaming spray, while the undertow undermines the foundations at my feet. Joy and hope shift like so much sand, pulled out into the vast sea of roiling, storming, Holy Grief and Terror. Despair is tangible. Despair is crushing. It is not mine. It is not mine.

“Hold Fast,” He says, and His presence is soft, thick, good wool wrapped snug around me. We are wet, soaked in this ocean of Grief, but He keeps me warm even as wet wool can manage to do. My spirit wants to shatter under this strain, but He holds me up as the ground underneath me gives way. I think of the other part of the year, when the Holy Grief I bear witness to is not mine, is…

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So…wow

I’ve been really struggling the past few weeks. At first mostly doing it alone inside myself and with some of my practices. Then with the assistance of a beloved friend and including many more of my practices. I’ve been struggling to get back to center and to who I am as I know me to be, useful and filled with purpose. I was slipping, fast. I am through nature, nurture, and design one who is fairly aware of others around me. Not in a bad “I am not important” way, but in a chosen way. It is thing gifted to me through many means. I was slipping away from that. And as unnerving as it was to realize it, it was so much more so to realize it was so insidious that I hadn’t really paid attention to the slipping. o_O

With intensity in the last week I’ve been doing (my version) of kala to clear blockages, and triple soul work to get back into right alignment, re-examining my moral inventory, surrendering, reaching out to Those who can assist. And still I felt off. Not that I was expecting an overnight reversal (okay, that would be nice, but it doesn’t happen that way for me), but I was expecting more of a return to my central Self and Spirit. After 2 weeks, hm? Because of the depth of the work I’ve been doing and staying open and genuine, yes.

So what am I missing I was wondering? I dive into the traditions and practices that are mine in a way my own soul is, and yet I sometimes struggle with those very things. “Have I lost my shit? Who walks through the world believing these things: transition work with the dead and the Dead, cleansing, transmuting energies as needed, speaking with Deity? Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been playing the ultimate game of fiction with me as the star.” (And yes, we all do and we all are, but still.)

Ask and be shown. I had the opportunity to speak with a lovely person today. She phoned me with a story she wanted to tell and I was happy to make space for her to tell it. While relaying her story she said a small bit, maybe 2 sentences in length, that was absolutely the affirmation I needed when I hadn’t even known I needed it. Chills ran up and down my arms when she said it. As we are just beginning to get to know each other there is no way she could have known what she relayed to me except to have heard it in the manner that she said she did.

Here I sit, still dismayed and pleased, centered, and myself again. It feels really really good to be me again.

*bounce bounce*

The gifts of PTSD – when the outside doesn’t match the inside

Oh, the gifts of PTSD, how they keep on giving! I have been struggling with some of the effects in an arena I never thought I would need to struggle in. One of the twisting curiosities of my PTSD has been how certain things can trigger a reaction that seems on the surface to be completely divorced from the sexual abuse of my growing years. Over time I have refined my bodily reactions so that I can operate in the world in a manner that is similar to most people without drawing suspicion. However, in the circles I run in many of those “most people” characteristics fall away.

One of the things that I have learned to do is to not immediately trust my gut reaction. Because I work with people who deeply trust their intuition which often centers in their gut sometimes my way of dealing with this can be problematic. I do trust my intuition, which is a combination of knowledge, wisdom, self-checks, Etheric Web checks, plus my physical gut reaction. I do not automatically trust my initial physical gut reaction unless I am in a physically dangerous situation meaning I have not negated my absolutely necessary fight or flight response. What I have done is learn how to double check my initial knee-jerk gut reaction. I do this because I learned early not to trust my body and the messages it was sending me because of the abuse and the associated defense mechanisms built up against that abuse.

When a situation triggers an initial strong gut reaction in me I refer to it as my “gut clench” response. I immediately dispel it while I do a quick deep check as to its truthfulness and authenticity. I do this by physically tightening up and giving an energetic push that moves the immediate gut clench reaction away from me. I then do an internal check to discover whether that gut clench is authentic or not. I have honed this skill for years and I do it very quickly. A deep core check and a poke at the Universal energy around me has served me well.

Most of the people that I do deep work with have learned to trust their immediate gut reactions and rightly so. That doesn’t mean that they are never wrong, but it often means that they have a freedom that I do not have with their initial gut reaction. Because I don’t feel I can trust my immediate gut reaction I have tempered my behavior accordingly and do my internal check because of my desire is to respond with my authentic self. This felt like useful way of caring for my own needs in a way that still allowed me to be real and respond to whatever was going on around me. I still believe that this is a useful tool for me as it brings a level of clarity that I would not have if I automatically reacted to my gut clench.

However, it has been brought to my attention that this particular mode of response feels far differently to others that it does to me. Because I work with deeply intuitive people I am also working with their heightened level of energy awareness. In a gut clench response I physically tighten up my body (and I’m guessing I also visually tighten up) and they are noticing. When I’ve been doing my energy push to move the gut reaction away from me so that I can drop down they are feeling that push of energy, too. What I did not know was that this tightening and energy push was being interpreted as resistance against whatever was just said or done. How this resistance translates emotionally to people depends greatly on their own personal filters and/or their filters in that moment.

This has left me in quite a conundrum. How do I maintain and honor my PTSD self-care while also addressing that when I do this it feels very differently to others? Another piece for me is remaining is remaining in the moment, rather than being tossed back into a memory, so in my head I say, “I am here. Now.” Saying that out loud in that moment would mean little to the people around me. For me to remain healthy I need to not drop what has been useful and healthy for me. So what to do? I think I need to tell people that I do this clench-tighten-push thing.  Also, I need to open space where people can comfortably ask me about it when it occurs, without fear of negative consequences. This feels like a good resolution for this conundrum.

I do not wish for my outside to inaccurately reflect my inside and chance being seen as stubbornly resistant, not thinking well of others, inflexible, or as one who can not be stood against without receiving flack. Learning that something I so highly value about myself has been seen and felt in ways that are so troublesome has been exceedingly difficult. Now that I have been made aware I can at least do something to mitigate the effects, which is far better than walking around unaware.

So, lots of interesting things have recently come up for me. A lot of deep reflection, conversing with deity, and some divination tools thrown in for good measure have helped me sort it out. This feels very true to me, the manner in which my outside self was misrepresenting my inside self and what I can do as a viable fix. Both of these pieces feel true. May it be so, May be so, May it be so.

Gratitude Project – for endings

Insert your favourite cliché here about endings. Another Gratitude Project has come to a close. As always it has been a useful and worthwhile endeavor for me. Hard to believe I’m closing out my 11th year of doing it! Some days it was mighty hard to find a decent gratitude that wasn’t smeared in the ick, but those were the days I needed this project the most.

May a reminder to be grateful follow me through the rest of the year. Hail (estimated) Mabon! Blessings of the Equinox all around!