Monday blogging – your authentic self

Walking through the world as your True Self™ is exceedingly freeing. More so than probably any other individual act besides death. It is also at times deeply painful. And often lonely. What drives you can and will drive some people away.

As for me, I am Boneweaver. BorderWalker. Fine at a distance. Up close and intimate is a whole ‘nother story. The magnet that flips around and repels when you didn’t even feel yourself turning. Clad yourself in soft iron, it only slows, not stops the process.

There’s a reason the Mighty Dead gave me then name Boneweaver. There were nods all around for how suited it was. A warning with the taking would have been nice, but would it have changed anything? No. No it would not. Still, warnings are nice to have even if ignored. So here is yours – carefully consider the ramifications of being your authentic self. Then go and be it.

PTSD, triggers, and deflection

An interesting thing happened on the way to the reply button on Facebook. It was synchronicity at its finest. An article popped up from Patheos about a noted Pagan who had been arrested on child pornography charges. He had moved away (physically and spiritually) from his earlier Pagan tradition, but the headline included “Pagan”.

Now, anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Anyone who has read the details knows how areas intersected with clergy, neighbours, family and the societal structures inherent in the complicity of silence that wrapped itself around those years.

One would think I would be full on bluster championing the cause of shining the light on the pervasive child abuse, holding the perpetrators accountable, and getting the word out. Because that is what I do.

That however is not what I did. Nope, I said “yeah, yeah, bad perp, but what about the privilege in the headline naming him as Pagan!!” *indignant*

Um, what? Yes, I post frequently about privilege. Yes, I have posted at length about post-traumatic effects that linger into adulthood from abuse. Let’s put those on a scale of Justice and see which one carries more weighty baggage in this particular moment. Uh-huh. Yet I went for the privilege slant and rant. The easy out, so to speak.

Here is where that comes up wrong. I posted without research. I responded without noting my triggers. I did it on somebody else’s FB wall. Research would have shown me that the article was from a site that writes about religion and the news sites didn’t mention the religion of the perp at all. Noting my triggers would have stilled my fingers and I would have merely read and posted on my own wall as I usually do. Likely, between the refraining from posting and updating my wall I would have become aware of my deflection and written not about privilege, but why strong spiritual counselors are needed in the Pagan community because 1) people like the man arrested exist in every religious community and 2) the lingering effects of PTSD need to be addressed in an ongoing manner.

Just yesterday I was engaged in an online discussion about the public’s lack of knowledge about the long term consequences of PTSD and why people don’t “just get over it, it happened so long ago.”

And here I was all confident in my ability to manage effects, note triggers as they happen, and go on my merry way. I do indeed manage well and note triggers and hold my reactions until I’m certain they are speaking my present immediate (not past memory) truth. Most of the time. And there’s the rub. Most of the time.

Most of the time is not all of time. It never completely goes away.

The work is ongoing. I will confront and honour the work by continuing it.

Some thoughts on initiation, and finding your initiators

Posted by Amoret on Bone and Briar. Great thoughts!

Bone and Briar

Don’t be deceived by personal presentation. Some will bite on the front end and you’ll never see the kindness coming. Some will bite on the back end; where you expect sympathy you will suddenly get steel.

That is the way of it. Do not confuse softness with powerlessness, harshness with lack of solace.

Do not coddle your own weakness. Listen deeply, and open. There are teachers are all around you.

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Monday blogging – fun fact

Energy work slows my bowels. Workshops and Witchcamps, my bowels conserve the necessary physical energy for the workings. I appreciate their consideration, but really? I’d rather they remain their normal self and allow me to regulate and manage my physical needs consciously. Since it appears that is a given with intense work I will compensate in advance next time because everything else energetically is managed well concerning energy in versus energy out and fatigue. I thought it was coincidence or other factors, but after this weekend I acquiesce to the knowing that it is merely a piece of being me.

Okay then!

The Vernal Equinox

Maybe it’s because I was a Spring baby. Maybe it is simply how I love to smell the budding green around me that comes with the Spring rains. Whatever the reasons Spring to me is filled with Joy. It is potential, it is new growth, it is longer sunlight and it is birds in chorus as I reawaken with the trees. Where I live actual Spring is often weeks behind “calendar Spring”, but my soul sings just the same. Trusting a repetitive cycle that marks my years and knowing deeply  the seasons that mark my soul is a time for celebration. Blessed Ostara!


Monday blogging: liminal space, sacred space

I may turn off comments for this one. I haven’t decided yet. I’m not up for endless arguments about how the Phelps family deserves to have their father’s funeral picketed and why it is okay. I got enough of that on FB, tyvm.

Here’s my thing: I will not fuck around with the souls crossing the threshold. I just will not. That is not my job. My job in fact is quite the opposite. So, I am not going to picket anyone’s funeral no matter how horrid they or their family is/was. I find picketing funerals reprehensible and I don’t see it as okay depending on who is doing it. The same way I don’t view methodically killing a human is okay if the state does it instead of a citizen. So there’s that. I didn’t raise my kids by teaching them how to act right by doing to them the wrongs they had done to others. If one hit their sibling I didn’t teach them a lesson by hauling off and hitting them. You may like the “an eye for an eye” thing as a discipline, punishment, or fix, but I don’t follow the religion(s) that piece of justice comes from.

But the uppermost reason I will not picket anyone’s funeral is because I’m not mucking around there, in the liminal space, with ideas of revenge fueled by the same emotion that feeds the hatred of the Phelps family. Or any other human who is easily classified as despicable. Transitions are holy. I work the edges, I facilitate transitions. It’s not my job to exact punishments there. I don’t think it is anyone’s job to do so, but I don’t know All, so who knows. What I do know is it is not my job and I’m not doing it. Period.

What I also know about me is that I will continue to hold out hope that the Phelps family has a lessening of hate’s grip on their hearts, that the energies shift with the founder’s death, and they become decent people. I have no idea what the chances are for that, but I will still direct my energies there.

If they remain as hateful in the future as they are now I will happily stand between their picket line and the funeral they are desecrating. But I won’t be doing it for them. And while I’ll be doing it for the grieving family I will mostly be doing it to hold sacred space for the transitioning soul. Because that’s what I do. There is no amount of “convincing argument” about the bastards that the Phelps are that will change that. I do not need convincing, I know they are bastards.

Which brings me to the final piece. The Phelps picketed funerals. Some anti-Phelps folks will picket the founder’s funeral. I will not. Same as they get to be exactly who they are and you get to be exactly who you are, I also get to be exactly who I am.

Liminal space, sacred space, I hold the edges. I will do my Job.

Monday blogging – Tai Chi and Feri

Tai Chi is all about about core energy. I am best at pulling energy through my feet because that’s how I learned it. And I move it through all of me, swirl it in my belly, snake it through legs and arms, stir it with my hands, and lift it through my crown. Tai Chi so far has been so much thinking. Every move starts in the feet. Energy push here, exhale there, don’t get tangled and fall. I started with the smallest easiest form. It is also the slowest moving, which for Tai Chi is saying a lot. I thought this would be good for my impatience. I suppose it is, but I battle Get It Done! quickness every time I start. Once I slow down and get in the groove I can stay there, but with all the thinking required at first when learning it is hard to get out of my head and appreciate the energy shifting in my body.

But I’m getting there. The first 6 moves I can get out of my head. The second six still involve much thinking, but I haven’t been practicing as I should so … there’s that. I restart classes next week. I will have the second set of 6 moves by memory by then. Then we’re moving on to moves in Part II in prep for a workshop in the September with Dr. Lam (who is in the video at the link). Next fall we’ll be doing Sun Style 73 forms and the location is different.

I restart classes next Monday (switching from Wednesday’s class so my TC buddy and I can be in the same class) and this session lasts 12 weeks. Because I now am doing less thinking I want to incorporate more specific energy from my religion. I’m going to see what I can do with the Star Goddess and the lemniscate Gods since the SG at my core and the lemniscate Gods around my core fit perfectly with the rounded figure eight shapes native to Tai Chi. This makes sense to me in so many ways. It will put me a back in a my head for awhile, but I want to see what I can do with the energy. I want to play with it and incorporate Tai Chi moves into my religious practice. I have no general qualms with the philosophy associated with TC, but I want my own People there. So this should be fun!

Observing Lent as a never Catholic

It seems like a good time to mix things up, the Lenten season. One has SUPPORT! Lots of people are doing it! Many not even Christian. So as I contemplated if I even wanted to do anything I piddled around with ideas of “giving up.” It’s only forty days. What harm could come of it? (I generally skip right over this time of year except for getting great prices on fish.) I still am mostly skipping over it, but what do you expect for a Pagan?

I’m giving up the story I’ve been telling myself for a year or two now about what it means to be a woman in this culture, what defines femininity, how aging affects those things, and what all of that means for me.

I’m rewriting that story, folks, because frankly I don’t like the first one I wrote. I was brutal with my red editing pen and the story kinda sucks. I do not want to be the protagonist in a sucky story. And I had forgotten. I had forgotten that I wrote the thing myself.

So, rewrite. I’m trying some things, new plot twists mixed with old plot twists, adding in some shinies, kinder adjectives, and keeping the pretty scenery. New story, completed in 40 days. I can do that.