Sept. 19 – Because of “things” (which remain vague on purpose) I had 2 voices in my head yesterday. One did not belong to me, but had things I needed to hear. This was the voice of a dear friend. The other voice was mine and it was just being an asshole. My asshole voice tells me I need to reinvent myself completely, always, when others have an issue with a part of me. Friend voice: “You need to hear these things. Please understand I am not asking you to change who you are, I just need to say [this].” Asshole voice retorts: “If you really loved [person] you would stop [action].” The Asshole is an old voice, a long unwelcome voice, that pops up in my head from time to time. So, how is this a gratitude post? That unhelpful lying voice has no power over me when it pops up. It used to, but it lost its power somewhere along the line. I don’t know that I was fully aware of how powerless it is now until it jumped into my head and I was easily able to make it fade away. No pushing and no shoving was needed as it was so obvious to me that I had no attachment to it. I heard it, called it for the liar that is was, and released it. And I did so with ease! And that made me so incredibly happy. Every now and then I get to see concretely and in up-close detail how my years of co-dependence work have paid off. This was one of those times.
Sept 20 – another seemingly one-off gratitude is the bout of insomnia I have been experiencing. I suffer rarely from this and still it makes so mad when it happens. As it has been fading the last 2 nights my brain has come back to me in the way it usually works. No more scathing moral inventory as I drift off, instead creative ideas popping up! And I remembered them in the morning which is something the insomnia robs from me, my memory. So, insomnia can go FOAD, but my lovely brain that I sometimes forget is lovely in the way that brains are, for that I am grateful.