I’ve been really struggling the past few weeks. At first mostly doing it alone inside myself and with some of my practices. Then with the assistance of a beloved friend and including many more of my practices. I’ve been struggling to get back to center and to who I am as I know me to be, useful and filled with purpose. I was slipping, fast. I am through nature, nurture, and design one who is fairly aware of others around me. Not in a bad “I am not important” way, but in a chosen way. It is thing gifted to me through many means. I was slipping away from that. And as unnerving as it was to realize it, it was so much more so to realize it was so insidious that I hadn’t really paid attention to the slipping.
With intensity in the last week I’ve been doing (my version) of kala to clear blockages, and triple soul work to get back into right alignment, re-examining my moral inventory, surrendering, reaching out to Those who can assist. And still I felt off. Not that I was expecting an overnight reversal (okay, that would be nice, but it doesn’t happen that way for me), but I was expecting more of a return to my central Self and Spirit. After 2 weeks, hm? Because of the depth of the work I’ve been doing and staying open and genuine, yes.
So what am I missing I was wondering? I dive into the traditions and practices that are mine in a way my own soul is, and yet I sometimes struggle with those very things. “Have I lost my shit? Who walks through the world believing these things: transition work with the dead and the Dead, cleansing, transmuting energies as needed, speaking with Deity? Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been playing the ultimate game of fiction with me as the star.” (And yes, we all do and we all are, but still.)
Ask and be shown. I had the opportunity to speak with a lovely person today. She phoned me with a story she wanted to tell and I was happy to make space for her to tell it. While relaying her story she said a small bit, maybe 2 sentences in length, that was absolutely the affirmation I needed when I hadn’t even known I needed it. Chills ran up and down my arms when she said it. As we are just beginning to get to know each other there is no way she could have known what she relayed to me except to have heard it in the manner that she said she did.
Here I sit, still dismayed and pleased, centered, and myself again. It feels really really good to be me again.