Category: gratitude project 2015

Elusive summer ease (gratitude project)

Published on by Boneweaver (aka pjvj)Leave a comment

Summer is so full of life, sun, and warmth that is often approached as the time to Do All The Things™! and that desire I completely get. For me, summer has always been (since I was a child and it meant summer vacation from school) a time to do none of the things unless you felt really pulled to do them. Summer is a time to invite ease back into your life. Heat and humidity? Perfect reason to sit and relax. It is one of the things I love about it – it says, “have a glass of iced tea, sit here in the shade, listen to the insect chorus, and just be.” This summer has been missing ease.

June had more rain than the whole season does normally. My body ached its way through June, from crown to sole. I have brutalized my body with 2 falls and a deeply cut thumb that still is acting like it will never be the same. Emotions and spirit have been filled with unease, too, tight and restrained while at the same time both have been trying to burst through like an overfilled water balloon.

Same as how your skin feels a bit to tight when it gets burnt, from sun or fire, is how my internal Self has felt all summer. Striving for authenticity is a fine goal. Getting there is like boxing your own shadow – elusive and full of misses. This caused fits and starts and then stops. Like the tiny wind-up toy in a child’s hands that can run across a tabletop – fully wound feet slapping wood, falling over edges, feet hitting nothing but air as it is retrieved from the floor, and when set back on the table, the wind is done, and plop-plop-plop to stillness. No rest! *wind wind wind* Here we go again! That is how I’ve felt this summer – too tight for spirit’s skin, feet slapping hard surface then nothing, winding down, then turn-turn-turn of the winding post, and slap-slap-slap. This has been a difficult summer.

“I cause strife,” She said. Yeah, got it. Can we be done now? It seems the answer is finally, thankfully, yes – we can see the finish line. Ease has slipped back into my soul. I felt it fully yesterday, soft as breath, filling the spaces between my cells, silently stretching the tension from my muscles, gently massaging the marrow of my bones. It is still here this morning. Thank you, Summer. Welcome back, Ease.

Gratitude Project – honesty with self

Published on by Boneweaver (aka pjvj)Leave a comment

I’m grateful that I somehow manage to be mostly My True Self™ in spite of the reception that Self receives. Well, overall grateful. In particular moments it is harder than in some other moments. The risk of being me out in the world is greater than most realize. At least, that’s how it feels. As if because I am me as best I can be walking through this life, it is somehow easier for me to do it than for the Real Humans™, you know, the ones with feelings. Maybe it is easier in some sense of that word, or maybe, I’m simply more practiced at it.

Earlier today I said to a friend, in reference to my reception in the world:

“It hurts, honestly. But it is this type of thing I mean when I say it’s hard to be me, and sometimes feels so alienating to be me, because this e-list thing is a microcosm of how it plays out in larger circles. People want me around being me, sure, but at arms length. Some days,  if I could be different and not hate myself for it, I’d stop being me. For real.”

That feels like one of the truest saddest things I’ve said about being me. And yet, I still do it. In spite of the risk, I still do it, because the self-loathing  that comes with being otherwise has a greater toll on my soul. So, I’m grateful for the courage the Universe decided to bestow on me, and I’ll keep using it, because an unused gift is a thing for garage sales, not thing for my life. 

Gratitude Project – not taking things personally

Published on by Boneweaver (aka pjvj)2 Comments

This is one of the gifts of the book, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz that just keeps on giving. I don’t practice it perfectly, as sometimes it takes a few days to kick in depending on how fragile I’m feeling at the moment. This week I was able to practice immediately.

In the last week I’ve had 5 video calls scheduled. One has actually happened and one unscheduled one happened. Three were forgotten by the other party, one was cancelled due to illness. The one that happened is a monthly thing and I originally kept it going after the original purpose of it being monthly was moot. It lasts an hour except this week where it lasted 3 hours. I know! But all 3 felt necessary to both of us. The unscheduled one was suggested during texting with a dear friend and it was a great (not my) idea plus now I’ve used Face Time for the first time!

Now, years-ago-me would have taken the forgotten ones really hard – what is wwwrrroooooooonnnnnngggg with me! Why am I forgotten??? Fear of abandonment triggers, while absolutely grounded in a reality of the past, would have leapt up, grabbed me by the throat, and had me in an angst filled funk in this present if I hadn’t learned not to take things personally. New/current me thought, “Huh. That’s interesting,” and then said, “Yeeeesssss! Free time!” Current me forgot to even tell myself to not take it personally because that is how thoroughly I’ve learned it.

I’ve learned it so well that I forgot to be careful with my other friend who suddenly has all of her time taken with other things and people and our chatting has dropped off to near nothing. I whined, in text, about missing her, and forgot to make it clear (text! it needs so much more effort than face-to-face!) I was merely whining and not whining-how-dare-you! Yes, I am not responsible for others’ feelings, but I work hard not to be the ass who is easily misinterpreted. That is where my direct-and-frank habit comes from, the desire to be clearly understood. (Hint: if you are speaking with someone who takes things personally it doesn’t matter if you are direct-and-frank or the opposite, they’ll take it personally.) My friend didn’t take it personally, but I had to ask to know this, because, text.

Anyhoozle, I find it deeply fascinating that the video calls I initiated scheduling, both sides showed up for, and the ones I did not initiate scheduling didn’t happen. There are varied reasons for that and none of them has anything to do with me. When you learn not to take things personally you know in your bones that how other people behave is all about them, and not a thing about you.

The gift that keeps on giving – huzzah! (And unexpected bonus me time!)