I’m grateful that I somehow manage to be mostly My True Self™ in spite of the reception that Self receives. Well, overall grateful. In particular moments it is harder than in some other moments. The risk of being me out in the world is greater than most realize. At least, that’s how it feels. As if because I am me as best I can be walking through this life, it is somehow easier for me to do it than for the Real Humans™, you know, the ones with feelings. Maybe it is easier in some sense of that word, or maybe, I’m simply more practiced at it.
Earlier today I said to a friend, in reference to my reception in the world:
“It hurts, honestly. But it is this type of thing I mean when I say it’s hard to be me, and sometimes feels so alienating to be me, because this e-list thing is a microcosm of how it plays out in larger circles. People want me around being me, sure, but at arms length. Some days, if I could be different and not hate myself for it, I’d stop being me. For real.”
That feels like one of the truest saddest things I’ve said about being me. And yet, I still do it. In spite of the risk, I still do it, because the self-loathing that comes with being otherwise has a greater toll on my soul. So, I’m grateful for the courage the Universe decided to bestow on me, and I’ll keep using it, because an unused gift is a thing for garage sales, not thing for my life.