Author: Boneweaver (aka pjvj)

The ferry between Lewes, DE and Cape May, NJ was a lovely ride, with dolphin and seagull escorts. Whhheeeeee!!!!

Summer is so full of life, sun, and warmth that is often approached as the time to Do All The Things™! and that desire I completely get. For me, summer has always been (since I was a child and it meant summer vacation from school) a time to do none of the things unless you felt really pulled to do them. Summer is a time to invite ease back into your life. Heat and humidity? Perfect reason to sit and relax. It is one of the things I love about it – it says, “have a glass of iced tea, sit here in the shade, listen to the insect chorus, and just be.” This summer has been missing ease.

June had more rain than the whole season does normally. My body ached its way through June, from crown to sole. I have brutalized my body with 2 falls and a deeply cut thumb that still is acting like it will never be the same. Emotions and spirit have been filled with unease, too, tight and restrained while at the same time both have been trying to burst through like an overfilled water balloon.

Same as how your skin feels a bit to tight when it gets burnt, from sun or fire, is how my internal Self has felt all summer. Striving for authenticity is a fine goal. Getting there is like boxing your own shadow – elusive and full of misses. This caused fits and starts and then stops. Like the tiny wind-up toy in a child’s hands that can run across a tabletop – fully wound feet slapping wood, falling over edges, feet hitting nothing but air as it is retrieved from the floor, and when set back on the table, the wind is done, and plop-plop-plop to stillness. No rest! *wind wind wind* Here we go again! That is how I’ve felt this summer – too tight for spirit’s skin, feet slapping hard surface then nothing, winding down, then turn-turn-turn of the winding post, and slap-slap-slap. This has been a difficult summer.

“I cause strife,” She said. Yeah, got it. Can we be done now? It seems the answer is finally, thankfully, yes – we can see the finish line. Ease has slipped back into my soul. I felt it fully yesterday, soft as breath, filling the spaces between my cells, silently stretching the tension from my muscles, gently massaging the marrow of my bones. It is still here this morning. Thank you, Summer. Welcome back, Ease.

We saw bunches just offshore today! *bounce bounce bounce*

Two days, two things!

I love packing! It means I AM GOING SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!

WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

😀 😀 😀

Yesterday – for Tai Chi where we learned a couple of Chi Gong moves.

Today – For YoungerBoy being chatty. ❤

As a family it’s what we do to protect each other, help each other…. support each other. It’s a huge thing to be able to rely on.

I’m grateful that I somehow manage to be mostly My True Self™ in spite of the reception that Self receives. Well, overall grateful. In particular moments it is harder than in some other moments. The risk of being me out in the world is greater than most realize. At least, that’s how it feels. As if because I am me as best I can be walking through this life, it is somehow easier for me to do it than for the Real Humans™, you know, the ones with feelings. Maybe it is easier in some sense of that word, or maybe, I’m simply more practiced at it.

Earlier today I said to a friend, in reference to my reception in the world:

“It hurts, honestly. But it is this type of thing I mean when I say it’s hard to be me, and sometimes feels so alienating to be me, because this e-list thing is a microcosm of how it plays out in larger circles. People want me around being me, sure, but at arms length. Some days,  if I could be different and not hate myself for it, I’d stop being me. For real.”

That feels like one of the truest saddest things I’ve said about being me. And yet, I still do it. In spite of the risk, I still do it, because the self-loathing  that comes with being otherwise has a greater toll on my soul. So, I’m grateful for the courage the Universe decided to bestow on me, and I’ll keep using it, because an unused gift is a thing for garage sales, not thing for my life. 

Yesterday – for my daughter. I’d elaborate, but this is a public entry and she’s a private person.

Today – the gift of retirement, it is sublime.